is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
