smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
