did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
