So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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