Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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