i wish my penis had a tongue
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
