Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
