oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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