I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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