Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
