well I can't set my house on fire every night
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
