very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
