Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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