when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
