her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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