I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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