After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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