I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Randomize
