well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
