I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
A bitchslap is in order.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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