Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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