I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
