The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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