I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
