I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
