Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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