Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
