either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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