I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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