I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
