i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
