I will die if light touches me.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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