Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
