There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
