Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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