My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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