just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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