my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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