Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
