Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
