I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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