White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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