Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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