you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
