alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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