I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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