I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
