Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
