Kareoke will never be a sober sport
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
