Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
