some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
